LESSONS MY WIFE'S CATS HAVE TRIED TO TEACH ME

(I know it’s going to be hard to believe, but these are the same cats Jeanette wrote about.)

Cry until you get your way.

By the way, there is only one way, your (that is the cat’s) way.

Houses aren’t often big enough for two cats.

There is a boss, and I’m not it (I, Kevin, don’t claim to have learned this lesson or any other listed here, but that this is what they have attempted to teach me through their attitudes and actions).

Carpets and door jambs need to be re-configured.

When people leave you behind to have a good time, you go ahead and have a good time yourself; trash the house.

If there should be more than one cat, agree to come into the room one by one at meal time so that the providers keep getting out food and then you have a chance for extras.

If another cat doesn’t eat his food, eat it for him. Then when his food is replaced, eat that food, too.

Cats just do better on the table than on the floor at human people’s meal times.

When you sit down on a person, first walk all over his stomach, then extend your claws into his skin to wake him up so he can reposition himself to be where you want him to be. If he throws you off, come back immediately. How else will he learn who’s boss?

You have to be bilingual to survive in the present day world. You speak pitiful cries to humans and hisses to other cats.

Leave half eaten mice, birds, lizards and moles all over the lawn. It gives people something to pick up; they need exercise so badly. Even if they’re in good shape, they might need to brush up on anatomy.

When they come home from being gone for a long time, immediately crawl all over the car or jump into it so they will see the injustice of their wandering ways. Make it hard for them to get you out. Remember, their way doesn’t count; yours does.

Go where no human has ever gone, then make them follow you there.

Hairballs only do any good when strategically placed where someone is sure to step in them.

Live dangerously.

- Kevin