Hosting the Perfect Pity Party

The following is a humor article I am shopping to a magazine (at least I hope it's humorous! Let me know what you think. If it's not too funny, I will tweak it...)

Five Elements of the Perfect Pity Party

1. Preparation: When something horrible threatens to ruin your day or your year, believe you are the only one this has ever happened to. Or at least that your case is worse than anyone else’s.

2. Guest List: Anyone who will feel sorry for you and tell you how unfairly you were treated. Angry, depressed individuals who will wallow with you. DO NOT invite mature believers who know the Word and walk closely with the Lord. They will ruin the party by praying with you and for you, or sharing helpful verses and truths. They may cry with you and hug you and simply hold your hand, but that would give genuine help, and what you want is pity.

3. Refreshments: Junk foods, especially those high in sugar and starch. These make you feel yummy for an hour or two, then plunge you into more despair, which is, after all, the goal of your party.

4. Games: “Pin the Blame on the Person” and “Satan Says” are excellent choices. Do not play games that make you laugh; laughter is not allowed at Pity Parties. Do not have physical activities that release endorphins, giving you a sense of well-being and perspective. The last thing you need at a Pity Party is logic. Do not go visit someone who is more troubled than you, or call a friend you know is tromping through a valley. That may cause you to count your blessings, and Blessing-Counting is not a Pity Party game.

5. Music: Anything heartbreaking, like “Dad Gave My Dog Away,” or hateful, like “You Can’t Give Me Nothin’, ‘Cuz I Already Got Plenty of That.” Uplifting, praiseful tunes not allowed! These drive the devil insane, and he is your guest of honor.